can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
