I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
