come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I am mentally ready for anal.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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