My liver just broke up with me...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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