If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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