apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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