i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
