he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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