Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
