Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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