the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
