Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
