Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
