Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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