thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
