He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
