She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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