my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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