Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he fucked my hip out of place.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
