How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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