Whatcha textin bout Willis?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
