Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
