Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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