She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
