I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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