I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
