Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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