no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
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