When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize