Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
