i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
