Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
