I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
