24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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