Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
