Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
