I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize