That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
