Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
