Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
