I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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