The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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