these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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