they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
