What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize