Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
