is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
