May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
