I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
