I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
