Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
