I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This is classic penis vs brain.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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