I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The beer is more important than you right now.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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