Sponge bath it is.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
