I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
