"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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