so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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