I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
