I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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