Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
