So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
