Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
