dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
