Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize