you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize