I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
