thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
