I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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